he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
