Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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