Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
