your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
