how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
