she was so not down for the gang bang
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
