And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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