i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
