Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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