I faked an abortion last night.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
