my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
