he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
