Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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