Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
