I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
