You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
