I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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