Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
