is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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