one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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