Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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