The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Those nachos came to me in a dream
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
