i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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