yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you win again, gameday.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
