She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
