drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
