I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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