Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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