Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
