No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
