Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
