I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
