You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
