you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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