I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
