I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
