the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
my shit smells like andre
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
