I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
