I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my sisters under your porch take her home
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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