Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
