he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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