There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Ladies don't puke and tell
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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