Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
