i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
