I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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