In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
