One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
