I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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