So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
