Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
