I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
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